fear

i want to fear only you
but here i fear everyone who walks into the room

reminiscing

i'm trying to live life with open hands
while my heart is just out of reach

Here's to the Future

Haha I've been trying to rhyme
Almost like people actually read this
Maybe someday someone will read this
"Alex has weird feelings" they might say
"Alex needs to get his crap together" they would certainly say
Brother is watching a show with his girlfriend and my ex
One I would have given arm and leg to watch with her
Not to say that it's his fault or anything
If anything it's really my fault
for feeling this way
Little sister and brothers my loves to the end
Somehow gated off by this mysterious force between us
Not even in the way, just off to the side


I hate goodbyes


I miss my room, my space, my speakers
My time, my business, my friends
(both here and there)
but most importantly I miss

Real Life

There's one person who likes every post, apparently
No idea who it is, but they seem to read pretty consistently.
Make sure to say hello every once in a while, friend
I won't think it's creepy, I promise.
Sometimes I just need someone to talk to without being the only talker.

I was wrong yesterday, I think
I don't really know
I feel like I fell down the stairs and hit my head
and now I have a concussion and now the world is blurry and -
What was I saying again?
This thing and that,
Which thing and what?
I'm spinning, I'm spinning
God please don't let me drown.

Ugh not that song again.
That used to be one of "our songs"
Just another reason we had to break up, I suppose;
She didn't want me to let her drown
And I didn't want her to let me drown
But really God is the only one who can keep us on top

Is that really true?
Maybe to explore in another blog post
But didn't God make us to be reliant on Him
and also need our spouse?
7 billion people in this world,
probably 4 or 5 billion married,
so why does no one else have this trouble?
It feels like I know and understand God better than 90% of the adults I know
(though I suppose that's quite a judgement on my part)
And God seems to recognize their marriages in His holy covenant
I suppose it's just not my time
Besides, God knows best, not me
He must just know that I can take a lot before being pushed over the edge.

I should probably stop talking about all of this
It is public domain, after all.
But sometimes I just need someone to listen to me, you know?
I guess the screen does a pretty good job at not talking back
Shoutout to Hannah for being the only one to actually ask me about me
That's what makes you a keeper, Han,
You actually want to hear.

While I'm on the subject, I want to give a few more shoutouts
To Grace, Hope, and Hannah again
For being my best friends through the storm
For adopting me, loving me, and praying for me
I don't know what I would have done this break without people to miss this much, honestly
I mean, family is great, but friends are everything
Thanks for spontaneous movies, dank memes and movie marathons
Thanks for group messages and letting me hang out with y'all without secretly thinking I'm gay
(that happens more often than you'd think)
Also, thanks for the underwear, Hope
I'll make sure to let you know when I use it.

We saw Hidden Figures today.
What a great movie that was, oh my gosh
It made me miss being an engineer-

wait

I guess it just made me hate that I'm not one yet
(and a little more excited for Calculus)

I suppose I'll end this letter,
more of a rant, I suppose,
By saying how excited I am for the future
I really can't wait
If I weren't a patient man, I might have killed myself just because I'm not there
I guess if I weren't a reasonable one, I might have killed myself in August, too

Thank goodness God made me patient and reasonable

Anyway
I hope this semester goes by quickly
Don't take it offensively if I stop talking to you
Or if I say something about not being excited to come back
It has nothing to do with you, in fact, quite the contrary.
I honestly just want to move on to the good stuff —
Engineering, Full Independence, Love —
and every time I come home I slow down
My theory is that the more you have to do and the less you think about the future
The faster it comes

So here's to the future
And to working like a dog until it comes.

24 Hours

I never really realized how much time I'm missing out on during the school year. I just feel like there's so much time now that classes are ending and winter is coming that I don't really know what to do with it all. It doesn't help that I only have two classes left. What is my break going to be like? How will I spend all of this time? Who will I spend it with? Things are changing and time is slowing and I don't know nor care where I'm headed next. As long as I follow the Light that guides my path, I know that I will eventually get to where I'm going.


"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to."
"I don't much care where –"
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go."


Do normal people always have 24 hours in a day?

Emotions

It's weird how emotions come at
                      the weirdest times.

Maybe it's because I'm listening to
                      that playlist again.

Or maybe it's because I wrote to
                      your ghost again.

Grow Up

The downfall of society

Will be that boys
Don't want advice
On becoming men.

My Main Man

This one is for my main man.
Though I will try as I may,
I don't think he knows
The amount he brightens my day.

When your family is gone
Every one of you is missed.
Not just R, Em and E
But especially you, too, Isaac.

Here's to all the good memories,
of you opening the door.
Fist bump, WOOSH!
Then you're typically on the floor.

You beat me in Halo.
I don't even know why I try...
Because every stunt I try to pull
Will just make my inner man cry.

You're well set off, kid.
Heck, you got a bargain!
Money done been spent,
The movies you be hoggin'!

Thanks for your knowledge
Of everything awesome
To experience your words of legitness—
It's cool to hear even one.

So have fun and sunscreen up,
Don't drop out of school.
Like you even could 'cause you're on vacation
This isn't really rhyming anymore
But that's ok
Because it's still pretty cool.